Macaroni and Cheese, Moana, Mom and Dad

Yesterday I went over to my parents’ house and I spent ended up spending the night. Angelica slept on the sofa and I slept in the twin bed in the guest room. We had a great time. I went with Dad to Home Depot to get parts for the garbage disposal he was replacing, and then I hung out with Mom.  Mom made her signature gourmet macaroni and cheese bake with bread crumbs. Divine.  It was so good I had more for lunch today.

Last night we rented Moana and watched it together. I’d never let Angelica watch it before because of the demigod in it, but after going over some Christian reviews with my Mom I decided to let her try it. It was a great little movie. Good graphics and good music. Moana was a sweet, strong character.

Craig and I had a good conversation. He called at about 10. It feels so good to hear his voice. It almost makes him feel a little less far away. One week down on this mini deployment.

After the movie we went to bed and I slept like a rock. I didn’t wake up til 11:20! My mom and dad took care of Angelica and let me sleep, even taking her to Target for new clothes. When I woke up, and after they got home, I went back out to Target with my Mom and then I came home and hung out for a little while. I’ve since headed home and here I am taking a break from house cleaning. Angelica is with my parents to spend the night again. She was so happy to be staying with them. Angelica adores spending time with my parents.

My parents are so good to Angelica and love spending time with her. They always do a lot for her and she looks forward to seeing them, begging me to take her over there on the days we are staying home just the two of us. She misses them when we go home.

I love spending time with my parents too. I’m reconnecting with them. I would have stayed another night, but I needed to go home and take my day meds and also I wanted a little time to myself to dream and create and clean.  I’m someone who likes a lot of down time at home, and it is nice that to know Angelica is having a fabulous time with my parents while I’m getting that alone time. My parents and Angelica have become so close. I really love my parents, and so does Angelica, and I regret the time lost with them.

Numb

Yesterday I got a massage, but by the end of the massage instead of feeling good I felt low. I’ve been numb ever since. I just don’t feel like myself and I am not enjoying myself or getting things done, and I’m having dark thoughts. I need to pull myself out of this before it becomes a full blown depression. I’m not in pain, so that’s good. I’m just numb.

I always have a hard time dealing with Craig’s underways and I think it is just catching up to me. It is a lot of loneliness and change. I don’t do well with either one.

I could feel a lot worse, but I am definitely sliding downward.  Everything is taking way more effort than it should.

In the hopes of making sure today isn’t a total loss, I’m making a list of things I need and want to do and I’m going to see if I can get to all of them. So far it is 3:30 and I’ve already taken a shower, made lunch, and done a load of dishes. Not an amazingly productive day, but could be a lot worse.

So here’s my list

-read Scripture

-take a hot bath

-play some educational games with Angelica

-get the toys picked up

-put away the laundry in the dryer

-read

Hopefully this list will give me the accountability to actually do some of these things.

Alcoholic

She needs sour apple vodka mixed with a tart schnapps.

On her way in the nonchalant dark her dignity escaped her.

At the counter a man wonders where fugitive dignity hides.

She leaves holding black bags,

tries not to notice that even with 6 clanging bags of bottles

her load is lighter than it was.

22 Pounds of Wishes

I have 22 pounds of wishes hidden among the weeping wisteria.

The flowers by the pond have been melancholy a long time.

I drink with them.

Look at Lily’s tattoos.

Kind of abstract, don’t you think?

I’ve been told some people are really into that.

But the roses and I share the best laughs because we know it is not about pattern

but all about color and that soft, sweet texture on the fingerpads.

Meanwhile the snapdragons do deep, twisted math at the waters edge

and I drop a wish in the water.

 

Sweet Blue West

The sweet blue west calls me.

A vision of endless land is seared into my eyes.

Why take this seasick sailor

and set her in the lovelorn Prairie

where emptiness is everything

and loneliness is nothing,

only to drop her from a thunderous cloud

in a crowded coastal city

to drown?

When Christians Are Afraid of Color

Awhile back, I approached a Catholic veil maker and asked her to make me different colored veils for headcovering. She initially said she could custom make some veils for me, but then she turned me down because of the vivid colors I wanted. She said they were immodest and she could not make such immodest headcoverings.

Now I don’t wear headcoverings out of modesty.  I wear a headcovering in submission to God and my husband and “because of the angels.” I believe modesty is important, and it is certainly Biblical, but headcovering has nothing to do with modesty. It is about submission and reverence.

But what do some Christians have against bright color? There are no “immodest” or immoral colors. God made all the colors of the rainbow and he made them beautiful.   God created color, and I think it is no sin to use it. Look how bright wildflowers and rainbows and jewels and so many natural things are. And are we not more precious and beautiful to God than these inanimate things? If God made orange and green and hot pink, why would he not want us to use them? Is it so wrong that I want a deeply important symbol of my relationship with my Maker to look bright and beautiful?  And what is wrong with me wanting to look bright and beautiful? Why do I need to use somber, soft colors and hide myself? Why not show my joy and ecstasy through the canvas of clothing? Clothing should express something about your personality, and I love bright color. It is not immodest. It is just pure, brilliant color. I am not revealing my body or showing off. Perhaps she thought it was immodest because bright colors might be showing off, but that is definitely not a fair assumption. In our culture, wearing a headcovering makes you stand out no matter what color. I just like everything, from my walls to my clothes, to be bright. Furthermore, maybe if women wore beautiful headcoverings more often, it might encourage other women to try the true joy that is headcovering. Christian doesn’t have to mean somber, dowdy, or subdued. In fact, if you are happy to be covered, you should let it show. Picking a pretty color or a pretty lace is a good place to start. Women have a natural drive to make themselves and the things around them beautiful. God made most of us that way.

At the time the woman said no to me, it hurt me. I was so happy that I’d been convicted to headcover and I was beginning to reap so many spiritual benefits. I was so excited to have gorgeous veils in an array of colors, and she made me feel like a bad Christian for wanting that, as though my veils were mere fashion statements, and “immodest” ones at that. To take something that was quickly becoming important to me, something that I wanted to be beautiful, and to tell me what I wanted was immodest stung. But some of us are not pastel women. We are neon women, and there’s nothing wrong with that. God made me the way I am and I don’t think it is a sin to express myself through brightly colored clothes or veils. Whatever you do  you should do it to the glory of God, and whether you are adorning yourself or your church or your home, you should make it as beautiful as you can. I think bright colors are beautiful.

I have since found another veil maker, and she makes me gorgeous veils in colors across the rainbow spectrum. Her passion for making these spiritual items shows because of the love and beauty she pours into them. Wearing a veil is an act of worship, and I believe making them can be too if you put passion and creativity into it.