Cut the phantom from my back.
I am unannounced and unfrequented.
A wavelength no one sees,
a dizzy, dazzling particle
known to science only as
“effusive missing.”
Schrödinger’s dancer dancing in
the dark.
Remove from me the red, digitized light
of sovereignty and certainty.

To Ward Off Depression

I am depressed this morning and this is really not a good day for a mood swing. One of my closest friends is going to be in town tonight from out of state and we are supposed to get together with our families for dinner in Denver. I absolutely cannot afford to be exhausted, antisocial, miserable, and depress everyone around me. I started to feel stressed and low last night and this morning I feel worse. I just have a sinking feeling.

That’s one of the hard things with bipolar or any mood disorder. Your mood frequently has no connection to your life circumstances. Today should be a great day and yet I don’t feel good. I absolutely don’t want to ruin tonight. Sometimes when you first start getting depressed you can ward it off a little bit. So here’s what I’m going to try to do to raise my mood between now and this afternoon.

-take a walk to the mailbox. Exercise and sunshine are both good for mood issues. I would like to take a longer walk, but with my bad foot that just isn’t possible. But maybe even a simple stroll down the street to the mailbox will give me enough sunlight and exercise to raise my mood at least a little bit.

-study the Bible. I need to draw nearer to God.

-make a gratitude list. Reminding myself of everything I have to be grateful for can sometimes lift my mood. At least for a little while.

– paint. Doing something creative with my hands is good for my mood.

-digital scrapbooking. Having another creative Outlet and one that lets me relax while I do it might help me.

-Blog. Writing out my thoughts can be very helpful. I really enjoy keeping this blog. I think it gives me more mental stability. When you are bipolar you’re never truly stable, but I do think that blogging helps me maintain some equilibrium some of the time. Maybe I will make my gratitude list on here.

– be proud of what I’ve already done today. In spite of how I feel, I have given my daughter homeschool math lessons and taken a shower. I suppose neither of these things is Earth shattering, but taking a shower and getting through any homeschool is hard to do when you are depressed. But I powered through and did two major tasks and its 10 in the morning.

-try to do some housework. The feelings of pride and accomplishment I get from a completed tasks might help me. Of course the worse you feel the harder it is to get up and do housework, but if I can at least get rid of those dirty dishes in the sink maybe I will feel better.

By publishing this list I’m giving myself a sense of accountability. I need to do these things and I need to do them before my husband gets home from work. So my deadline is about 2 o’clock.


I’m free of rain.

I show my picture to the mirror.

I was not busy in my shiny days

and now I see

clouds of supplication ahead,

burning bronze.


My shape shifting selfishness

Folded into a skin box,



My life was born for a while,

between sameness and joy.


Ten times I memorize myself,

candy candle

I have to light,

To guide kaleidoscope perception

Back home to me.


Interdependence is difficult and soft,

ad infinitum.