Flowers coagulate in the
living room you can’t see
because I have strung ten thousand
chandeliers from the foil ceiling.
The season is polished,
a wave of salt rolls over
the soil at the other end of the street
but here is nothing but
the tang of chlorophyll and breath.
Enclosed in my equatorial dress,
I am as a letter to the star,
whose power I painted
electrical in a posh home,
mixed media mural on my ceiling,
cheap imitation regality.
The ground shakes.
The scent of salt
blossoms from the door.
Tears in my pale eyes,
And still my lights do not
My twenties were insane. The highs were so high and the lows were so low. This past decade has given me so much to be grateful for.
In my 20s I:
-had a baby
-bought a home
-moved across the country to live in the magic that is Colorado.
-travelled out of the country for the first time
-got a chapbook published by one of my favorite presses
-experimented with new hobbies
-read too many books to count
-had several mental breakdowns.
-got committed to inpatient twice
-had to go to outpatient day programs twice
-made suicide attempts
-had 6 surgeries and a bone infection
-Dealt with Craig’s deployments. Those were hard.
-Went from Bipolar 2 to Bipolar 1, a more severe type.
The good stuff has been joyous, and the bad was fraught with misery, loneliness, and mental and physical pain.
I hit all my major milestones early in my twenties. I graduated from college in 2011, got married in 2012, and had my daughter in 2013. Got published in 2014 and bought my first house in 2015. The most beautiful moments in my life, at least the most beautiful moments that you can have happen while you are young, and the moments that will define your life, happened to me in five consecutive years in my early to mid twenties. I am so grateful for all the wonderful things that happened to me in those years. So many dreams came true, most importantly my dreams of having a husband to love and a child to love.
2016 had a lot of deployments. 2017 had a lot of health problems and some deployments. Health-wise the age of 29, 2018, has been mostly really good until recently – until I found out that I have to have my ankle bone removed. I moved to Colorado, which has been a transformative experience. At the same time I had to move very far from my family, which was a loss for both me and Angelica.
Laced through hardships and joys have been difficult mental problems that have gotten worse over the years rather than better. From suicidal lows to psychotic highs and everything in between. I try to make the most of the times I have where I am functional and able to get things done and enjoy them. But I regularly lose those abilities.
I’m still thinking about what to hope for in my thirties. I turn 30 on Saturday the 24th. I was born on Thanksgiving but will not be a Thanksgiving birthday this year. So many important dreams that I had have been realized: marriage, family, home. Other dreams have been quelched. They will not be realized, but as I change and grow I develop new dreams. I have to consider what those dreams are exactly, and how to achieve them.