Empty House

Angelica has started school, and it feels beyond strange. My beautiful baby girl isn’t at home with me anymore. I dropped her off at school this morning and now here I am – sitting on the porch swing with no one to cuddle. Angelica always follows me to the porch swing to cuddle.

She was psyched on her first day. She woke up super early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got to walk her to the gate, and then into the playground. I cried. I tried to stop myself, and I held the worst of it back for later, but I cried. Her teacher was really sweet. She passed around tissue packets to parents and included a sweet little poem about leaving your child with their teacher.

I went to a breakfast to meet other moms. They seemed very nice. Volunteers are needed in Angelica’s classroom. I need to figure out what I can commit to. They are seeking weekly volunteers, as well as party plans. The only party I might be good at is a Halloween party, and it looks like they won’t do those, so I’m out of party planning. I might read to the class.

I know Angelica will learn a lot, make friends, learn new skills, and have fun. Craig and I made the right decision. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have tears in my eyes right now.

Praying she has a good year.

The Scene

…waiting for a train

Rolling a die
On the brink
Of greatness

…on the tracks
Dust of the less fortunate

…across town
Someone waits for him
There are salty crimes
To be answered for

he slips into the sun

Journey to 4

When the blood covered
the stones,
3 was created

It was then
That the staple guns
Came out

1 was a motion – imperceptible
2 was an equation –
the question and the answer.
3 looked like a rain puddle.
3 was made of metal.

With a blowtorch,
The creation of 4 as a
fine piece of art

The whole is less than
The sum of its parts

Permanent subtraction,
Each a negative
Sucking from her own math

Under the bitter heat
This metal does not
Waver.

I Got Screwed

Back to the oral surgeon this morning. Last night the screw that holds things in place before the tooth implant can be put in came out. Thank goodness the base in the bone was okay, but I had to get another screw. I had called the after hours line last night and they said to not worry and call to get an appointment.

Well I’m here and I’m healthy, but my gums grew in overnight. So he had to take out tissue again. Not fun. Liquid diet for a few days.

Busy Day

Maintenance is here doing a biannual check.

This morning I went to the GI doctor about the daily vomiting. He prescribed a medication that does the same thing as another medication that a different doctor has given me. I do not have high hopes for it. They also have me scheduled to stick a camera down my throat. As you can guess I am not looking forward to that.

In the meantime I might see if it is one of my other medications causing this problem. I’m on one that helps me but it may be creating the nausea. And if it is I’m going to have to go off that pill. Because daily nausea and vomiting for the foreseeable future is just not an option.

The awesome girl who does our cleaning was here today and it felt so nice to come back to the appointment and smell all the cleaning products and see the stripes in the carpet from the vacuum. So that’s probably going to be the highlight of my day.

Later on Angelica has speech and OT. Then I can finally be done. Angelica has a friend over right now and they are watching 101 Dalmatians.

Now for the ultrasound tomorrow. Yay.

Send Me

Except please don’t.

In my devotional it talks about telling the Lord you are willing to go where He wants to send you.

Wherever He wants to send me it must involve the military since I married to a guy in the Navy. I don’t know where exactly God wants me, whether it’s another city or some place in town that I should be. Either way I don’t feel as willing as I should. Part of that is that I just like where I am. I like my life and routine. I like where I live. Truthfully I have no desire to do or live any differently.

I go through periods of time where I would be thrilled to step up and do something for God. And then I go through times like this, the spring and the summer and their problems, and I don’t want to be sent anywhere. Sometimes I wonder if there are things you’re supposed to do from your home. Or at least people very near to you. I don’t believe that God wants everyone to be a missionary. At all times though you must be willing to say “Here am I. Send me.”

God please keep me here. I am having more good days lately. I am willing to go where you want to send me. Please keep me here. Often times my posts on faith are my way of working through thoughts as much as they are writing down my opinions and scriptural interpretations.

Please, if it is your will, let me stay here. If it is your will that I go someplace new, please don’t crush me with it.