On Thursday I went to the doctor. I now have an appointment set up with a GI specialist to see what is wrong. It’s really important to see why I keep throwing up all this bile. My esophagus and throat feel exhausted. And of course my teeth are going to rot out of my mouth if I don’t stop doing this. I also got a referral to see a gynecologist to get rid of the fluid I have in me from the cyst that burst. He gave me nausea medicine and stomach medicine to carry me through until I can see a specialist.
Angelica is loving life. She gets to hang out with her friend pretty much every day. They’re hanging out as I write this. Her friend was here for lunch and now she’s going to be here for dinner.
I went to the art museum yesterday while the babysitter was here. I brought my husband’s camera with me and was playing with the settings. What I figured out was that if I set the camera in HDR mode and then use manual and change a couple of other things that I need to remember again, I can do those really great shots where there’s different layers and everything is blurred. It basically photographs the light if you do it right. I met an employee there who is artist and it was really nice to chat for a while. Once again though, and the seems to happen almost every time I visit an art museum, I got tired and dizzy. Honestly I think it’s the aspie in me combined with the bipolar. So many colors and lines and stuff everywhere. I feel dizzy, I sit down, and then once I’m ready to get up I usually head home. Regardless, I got some interesting photos that I can’t wait to transfer from the camera to my computer and then to my phone where I can edit them. Of course I have the Affinity software to and I would definitely use that, but I just have a phone app that I really like as well.
I also bought a framed piece of wood at Michaels. I have laid down a primary layer of paint. From here I am adding letters and all sorts of things. There will be colorful mirror glass spread throughout. I plan to dye the letters that I bought with alcohol ink. I’m really excited to be taking this on.
I got into a last-minute doctor’s appointment today and I will see what they say. So last Sunday I went to the emergency room because I have been throwing up bile for hours every day for awhile. They couldn’t find anything wrong and said it was a stomach bug. Well 4 days later and I am still vomiting bile every day. Something here is not right. Something here is very wrong. This is not a stomach bug. So back to the doctor I go.
Angelica has been doing work to earn an allowance lately. Fundamentally she has to have a perfectly clean room at the end of the night. If she does, she earns a quarter. This morning she is earning an extra quarter by bringing a load of her father’s clean clothes upstairs. Naturally she has to take more than one trip. I appreciate it because getting up and down the stairs is a lot and the fewer times I do it a day the better. She is really enjoying earning money for different things.
Neighborhood kids have been coming over to play constantly. It gives me joy to see her play with other kids and have so much to look forward to! Lately our home has been fun central with kids circulating through. Sometimes one of the girls is here for hours. Angelica is so happy!
Academically Angelica has really been blossoming. Her love for science bodes well for her academic future. She wants to go through the books we have. She also loves to watch video clips about a variety of subjects. YouTube kids is a great way for her to learn and see different things. I really like that app. It’s great for parents because you can add what channels you allow your child to watch.
I really wonder what Angelica will be someday. Will she be a scientist? Storm chaser? Video producer? There are so many things that she could be. It’s fascinating to watch her bloom. That’s the thing with kids. If you plant a rose bush you know you’re going to get roses. When you make a baby you have no idea what you’re getting. What is my daughter becoming? Whatever it is I can’t wait to see. She might be a hairdresser or an artist or own a grocery store. She can do anything. It’s all dependent on her aptitude, interest, and work ethic. This is one of the joys of being a mother. Giving your child the resources and then allowing them to become what they are meant to be.
We are looking for a new house cleaner. I hopefully have someone coming to interview today. We’ll see how it goes. I don’t want to go much longer without someone to clean. Obviously, I clean too. But I definitely need someone to come on a regular basis and do cleaning.
I have been sick. I have been vomiting bile for hours every day for several days. I finally went to an emergency room to make sure that everything was okay and that I didn’t have a recurrence of a medical problem I have had before. They took a CT scan and said that everything was good. They gave me some medicine for nausea, and I’ve been taking that for 2 days. It helps a lot more than it did when I was pregnant. They also told me that I have a cyst on an ovary that probably needs to be fixed. Sometime this week I will call a gynecologist. I just really don’t feel like it. I don’t want to go into one. So if it’s not too big I will probably just let it burst. It hurt like hell the last time that happened to me but at least I didn’t have to go in for one of those god-awful exams. It’s just important to make sure that the cyst is not above a certain size because if it is you can have a lot of internal bleeding when it ruptures. I am just beyond grateful it wasn’t the problem I was afraid it was.
It must be a stomach bug, but this is a very unusual and long-lasting stomach bug.
I have been doing some writing but not as much as I would like. On a bright note, I have begun writing horror (what a weird sentence). I’ve been talking about it for ages, but I put fingers to keyboard and I started a story. I have the beginning how I want it, although as usual I will have to revise 50 more times. I just not sure how I want it to end. I’m not sure where I want to take it. And I have a second story in the works.
Angelica and I had a great morning. I got some housework done while she played. Then we went on a playdate with some friends to Chik fil A.
Right now she is watching Minions. Soon, we’ll go grocery shopping.
I want to do whatever I can to make the most of the rest of June and then July. She will be starting school before I know it. I can hardly fathom just how much I will miss her. It wells up in my mind sometimes and I have to think of something else or I will cry. These years before a child is school age are absolutely precious.
We were planning to homeschool, as I have written before. But for now we have decided to send her to school. She will love it. I will cry. But I am happy for her. I want her to make friends and build good memories.
Today I was told that there is actually an amusement park around here. There’s one near Colorado Springs that’s a winter-themed one, and then there’s one up in Denver that’s kind of like a Six Flags. If Craig has a weekend day that he wants to take to do that it would probably be a lot of fun for Angelica. I’ve become a boring old lady. A lot of rides make me really sick or give me headaches. Because of that, I don’t really want to take her by myself because at her age there’s probably a lot of rides that she’ll need me for and I’m not much use. When my husband and I were dating he wanted to ride the same rollercoaster repeatedly. There was no line, somehow, so we got to go on Apollo’s Chariot a bunch of times. And then… I threw up all over him. We got off the ride and were walking around the park and I felt queasy. And then I just threw up everywhere. I threw up on him. I threw up on myself and the ground and the restroom building. Everything. I swear that if it was in a 10 Mi radius I threw up on it.
I want to make sure she gets swimming lessons this summer too. I haven’t wanted her to take lessons in the winter because it does get rather cold here and I remember what it’s like to come out of the pool and put your clothes on and go out into the cold air. Maybe I’m sissy but that wasn’t fun to me and I don’t see the necessity of her doing it. We don’t live by the ocean anymore so learning to swim is not as urgent. However, it is still important and I think once she gets past fear so really enjoy it. In future summers I would love to just be able to take her to the pool in the afternoon and let her play. There are lessons on base but from what everyone says, and from what our experience was this past spring, the classes fill up within an hour or two of opening. It’s hard to catch that. There’s another swimming place around here for kids that I’m going to look into. I’m also going to look into private instruction. She really does need to learn and I hope I can get that done in July.
Food is amazing. I love the sweetness, the saltiness, the spice. The smoothness and chunkiness. The savory flavor of the meat. But for the next few days I can eat none of it. I had oral surgery this morning.
I have to get a tooth implant because of the emergency extraction I had back in February. This is part one of that. THEY DRILLED AND SCREWED A SCREW INTO MY JAWBONE. Let that sink in.
Insurance wouldn’t pay for anesthetic. There was no way in hell I was going through it without anesthesthetic.
Bleeding is not too bad, but they told me at the office that the pain gets worse. It peaks days 3 though 5. I have had an extremely hard week, and this has not been a good way to end it.
No matter how many surgeries I have, even the ankle fusions and replacements in my future which terrify me with their pain and long layups, I am grateful to be here. Life is so sweet, but I live on its edge and my balance is precarious.
I feel so private, so shy. Earlier in the week I submitted to two magazines. I hadn’t done that in a long time. There is a poet group I want to join, but I can’t even fill out the paperwork. Putting myself out there feels exhausting and violating – especially because they talk about giving readings and things like that. I have never been an extravert. In fact, I have been very introverted my whole life. The older I get, the worse it gets. There is a group of horror writers I want to get plugged into. I am excited about it, as I really love reading horror, have supernatural experiences at home, and I want to write fiction.
The thought of going to a meeting sucks my spine out of me.
Forcing myself to go would be good for me. I would love to find inspiration and meet like minded people. Being there would probably be spectacular. The thought of going gives me butterflies. Not even butterflies. It gives me moths.
Parsnip has a new enclosure that Craig built for him. It is in the library, which gives him more sun than he got in the laundry room. There are plenty of pros and cons for parsnip. He is now enclosed in a much smaller space. It’s more fun and definitely cozier, but it’s smaller. When he was in the laundry room he got to go out and run around the house a lot more. He was shut into the laundry room while we were sleeping or when I had to go to a store, but he spent a lot of hours a day running around the house. Now he doesn’t. This us partially to minimize possible future damage to the house. My little bunny has already caused trouble. Part of it is because this new enclosure doesn’t have a way to open the gate. He has to be put into his enclosure from the top. So if we let him out to run around the house and we aren’t available to really really watch him and follow him he could run into trouble. If he needs to eat, drink, or use his litter box he can’t get to it. So he can only come out of the enclosure at certain times. It was possible to make an enclosure that would allow him to get into it, but then it wouldn’t be secure enough to keep him from getting out of it. Parsnip is a fuzzy genius. Craig actually stapled the walls of the pen to the plywood.
We took Angelica out front on her skates. She doesn’t yet know how to skate per se, but she walked in the skates. Her balance was amazing – especially considering we haven’t been teaching her. We need to take her to a rink.
Mother’s Day was lovely. Good food, good gifts, good time. My daughter picked out a pretty watch for me. Craig got me two pieces of art from a local gallery, and another gift that I am not sure where he got it. We grabbed lunch at that cute little French place. I feel cherished
On the rise. Physically and mentally I am improving. I am sitting down while Angelica gets tutoring.
Craig is liking his new job and I am so happy for him. I miss him though. He is already working late hours, and he is on week one of training with his predecessor. His previous schedule constantly rotated between days, swings, and mids during the week, so he was exhausted. That schedule was awful for him and I am glad he’s done with it. However, the one advantage of that job was that we had a ton of family time. We really loved that, especially since he was just coming off a sea tour.
I doubt we will ever have family time like that again.
It is May 9th and it has been snowing today. Nothing that sticks this time, but still – it’s mid May.
Soon I will be taking Angelica on a mommy daughter date. She misses them. It has been a month now. She is going on a daddy daughter date this weekend.
I am in a state of bliss listening to lectures on Great Courses. I am diving into linguistics, natural history (dinosaurs and terror birds!!!), and dystopian and utopian fiction. It is the intellectual joy of college without the expense of actually getting another degree. I do take notes sometimes though. I can’t help myself.
We got home Saturday night from a trip back to the East Coast to visit family and friends. We went to TN, GA, and NC. Angelica spent time with her great grandfather, and then her grandparents in Georgia. Craig and Angelica went with my inlaws to Easter services. I WAS TOO TIRED TO EVEN GO! Part of this was that the hotel pillows were truly the most horrible pillows I have ever laid my head on. I ended up sneaking out at 330 to go to Walmart and buy some at 4 am. I had already tried folding a bath towel onto my hotel pillows to no avail.
We spent time in North Carolina and Virginia visiting a friend – relaxing, talking, shopping, eating, spending time by the water.
To praise God and to lift my mood, I want to ruminate on some things I am grateful for at the moment.
A working car. I went through a period in my early twenties when I did not have a vehicle. Now, being able to jump in the car and go where I want feels so good. I don’t need to dread cold or rain because I don’t have to walk in it for miles to get to the doctor.
I am tremendously grateful that I can put off ankle surgery for at least awhile. I know that technically that isn’t good. They told me to hold off as long as I can because none of the surgical options have a high likelihood of success. But the fact is that every month, every season I don’t have to be laid up and in pain is something to thank God for. Walking is a gift not everyone has.
Amazon. I know it is killing brick and mortar stores, and I hate that. But it gives me access to so many books I could never find locally.
Evangelists. I admire what they do. It isn’t that I don’t have the courage to share the Good News of Jesus. I do. I am just so awkwardly introverted that I don’t know how to express something so important in real time conversation. Maybe one day the Holy Spirit will give me the right words for the right person at the right time. Otherwise, I will serve in some other way and be glad for the spiritual gifts I have.
Snow. Its loveliness laces through my life. Snow is intricately entwined with me. I understand snow.